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I'm Not Trying to Sell You Anything

I'm beginning to get just a little bit annoyed.

Now, there are those who might wonder how to tell the difference from my normal state, as I have been know to go through phases when I make Victor Meldrew [1] look like a mild-mannered gentleman with the patience of a saint, but there it is.

What's caused this annoyance? Well, it's the misuse of my telephone (and, for that matter the telephone of just about everybody else in Britain - or any other country in the world where telephones are the norm rather than the exception.)

By now, you're probably getting the idea of what I'm talking about, since I expect it's happened to you (provided you have a telephone, that is!) It usually happens when you're just sitting down to eat a meal, or you have visitors, or it's the last but one lap of the Grand Prix and all that lies between the first four cars is two seconds. And, wouldn't you know it - the phone rings.

As soon as you pick up the handset, you hear the all too familiar sound that bodes ill for the immediate future. It's the constant hum of conversation in the background as is a dozen people are all talking at once. Which, of course is exactly what is happening.

Caller: Is that Mr X (All names are obscured to protect the innocent. [2])

You: Yes.

Caller: Hello, this is Y.

Now, at this point your mind begins to go through the possibilities. Who is Y ? Oh, yes, of course, Y! Who you've not seen for a while, and ... you get ready for a friendly greeting.

Caller: Sorry to bother you at home ...

This doesn't sound right. Besides, if anyone is really sorry to bother you at home... why do they do it?

Caller: Are you satisfied with your kitchen?

This is a strange question... satisfied? You mean, as in, can I store food, prepare it, cook it, and wash the dishes afterwards? Besides, why is Y asking this anyway?

You: I suppose so.

Caller: Well, don't worry, I'm not trying to sell you anything...

Wrong choice of words. The thought of someone telephoning me out of the blue and trying to sell me something doesn't worry me. It annoys me.

(At this point I become inarticulate! Sorry - no doubt when the next pest phones, I'll be inspired to continue!)

Note for those reading from outside the UK: Victor Meldrew (played by Richard Wilson) is the central character in the comedy series One Foot in the Grave, which centres around the life of a recently retired security guard and the bizarre mishaps which befall him. As mishap follows mishap, Victor become progressively more irritated until the final straw breaks his patience and provokes a despairing cry of "I don't belieeeeeve it!"

A version was made in the United States, starring Bill Cosby ... [Back to main text]
And the guilty as well [3]. I don't know why I should do this - the guilty don't deserve protection. Perhaps I'm just in a generous mood? [Back to main text]
Yes, I know I've already used this joke on another page. It's my joke [4]. I'm allowed to.
Although many people may have one that looks very much like it.

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Caller:	Is that Mr X (All names are obscured to protect the innocent. [2])
You:	Yes.
Caller:	Hello, this is Y.

You:	I suppose so.
Caller:	Well, don't worry, I'm not trying to sell you anything...